Do You Continually End Up With the Wrong Person?

Updated: Jun 1, 2021

Turned off woman sitting with a man she’s dating at a coffee shop needs therapy and relationship coaching

Is it them or is it you?

Perhaps you’ve just gone through a breakup. After a while you go on a dating app, strike up a conversation with someone, and eventually meet in person. There’s something about the other person that’s familiar that’s comforting. You go on a few more dates with this person and realize you’ve done it again. You’ve fallen for someone who has the same issues as your last partner.

If you find yourself dating the same type of person over and over again, you’re not alone. Many people in the dating world are continuously attracted to the same type of person and tend to repeat patterns without realizing it. The good news is there are things you can do to break this cycle and become more aware of your own subconscious undoing.

Why we pick people who are wrong for us

Before we delve into how to break out of repeated unhealthy dating patterns, let’s take a look at why we continually date the same person. Here are some factors that can contribute.

  • Not taking stock of your own role in a breakup

After a breakup it can be easy to blame the other person. Maybe they did something to hurt you or you feel they didn’t make enough of an effort to stay connected. If you find yourself placing all the blame on the other person, though, it might be time to take a look at how your own actions and behaviors contributed to the outcome. We’re not suggesting you take the blame for things you didn’t do, but when it comes to breakups it’s almost never solely one person’s fault.

Usually it’s a series of actions on both sides that eventually leads to a breakup. Often, it’s not that either person did a lot of “wrong things” but that you are not suited to each other. If you don’t take the time to examine your role in a failed partnership, you might be doomed to repeat the same habits.

  • Rebound relationships

Along with not recognizing your own role in a breakup, you may find yourself jumping into new relationships too soon. If you get back out into the dating world before you’ve had a chance to process what happened, you’re more likely to seek out someone similar to your last partner. It’s familiar and familiar is comforting. Before hopping back onto the dating scene, you need time to reflect and self-assess, which will lead to a much deeper understanding of what you want and require.

How to break the cycle