Key takeaways:
Two-thirds of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction after having a newborn.
Many couples work diligently at baby-proofing their homes, but don’t put as much thought into baby-proofing their relationships.
There are some common areas where new parents struggle, like ensuring a fair division of labor, consistent parenting styles, and rebuilding intimacy post-partum.
Having weekly check-ins and using active listening can help couples iron out some of these relationship difficulties.
Couples counseling is a great option for any couple going through a major life transition and/or wanting to improve their communication and strengthen their relationship.
Although having a baby is supposed to be a happy and joyous occasion, two-thirds of couples report a decline in overall relationship satisfaction for up to three years of marriage after the baby’s birth. While many make painstaking plans for all things baby, and baby-proof their homes, very few couples put a lot of effort into safeguarding and baby-proofing their relationship.
Marriage after a baby is different. The family dynamic, the roles and responsibilities, and even how you interact with outside support systems all change. Most couples fail to plan for these changes, leading to conflict and relationship distress later.
Marriage Issues to Address After Your First Baby
The Division of Labor
One of the biggest sources of conflict in marriages after a baby is the division of labor. A newborn is a lot of work! There are likely to be big changes to your routines and lifestyles. Coming up with a plan to fairly delegate household labor and childcare is essential to keeping the household – and your relationship – running smoothly. Marriage issues after a baby are common if each of your expectations for the roles you have differ in scope. Couples need to have a clear understanding and negotiate their roles early and often,
Weekly Check-ins
Couples who communicate regularly fare much better than couples who struggle with communication. One of the things you should implement in your marriage after a baby is a weekly check-in. This can just be 15 minutes set aside each week to ask and share how things are really going – what went well, what didn’t go so well, what’s coming up in the week ahead – and identify ways to support each other.
Learn to be a Better Listener
Of course, weekly check-ins will be ineffective if you or your partner are not using active listening. Being a good listener is crucial to being a good communicator. Understanding what your partner needs – or being able to communicate your needs – is important for conflict resolution. It’s okay to ask each other what the other seeks from the exchange. It’s okay to ask “What do you need from me right now? Validation, to vent, or advice?”
Understanding Parenting Styles
People typically tend to parent the way they were parented. For those who grew up in chaotic or traumatizing environments, this may become problematic. There are four primary types of parenting styles. To keep your marriage intact after a baby, you and your partner should ideally find out what style you naturally gravitate to, and agree to adjust your parenting so that you are parenting clearly and consistently.
Finding Time for Intimacy
Having penetrative relations is generally off the table for several weeks after a newborn arrives. However, some couples find themselves in a sexless marriage after a baby. To remedy this, it’s important to understand exactly why the drop in frequency is occurring. Typically, there are many reasons why having a baby can lead to low libido, including health issues, body image, and self-esteem issues, post-partum anxiety and depression, or even physical exhaustion due to responsibilities.
Be Intentional About “Me Time”
During pregnancy, your body undergoes tremendous changes. This can lead to a changed relationship with your body and body image, which may not have been the healthiest it could be to begin with. Be protective and intentional about getting “me time” in. This goes for “dad” too. Mindfulness is a great tool to help you connect with your body again in a helpful way.
Consider Couples Therapy – Even if You Don’t Think You Need It
Being proactive has huge benefits; so does being proactive about seeking professional help. You don’t need to wait until your marriage is at risk after a baby or in crisis to engage in couples therapy. In fact, one of the highly recommended times to seek couples therapy is during a major life transition, such as when you welcome a newborn.
Therapy isn’t just for couples heading toward separation or divorce. It’s for anyone who wants a strong, healthy, relationship. There are many reasons couples seek therapy before hitting their breaking points.
Primarily, therapy can help you and your partner:
Develop a plan for a fair division of labor
Improve your communication
Learn about and choose a consistent parenting style
Learn about the stages of child development and age-appropriate parenting tactics
Recover intimacy post-baby
Better understand each other’s point of view
Teach coping skills to manage stressors
Understand each other’s love languages
How to Know A Marriage Needs Couples Therapy After a Baby
If you notice any of the following occurring in your marriage after your first baby arrives, it can be a red flag that you and your partner should attend therapy sooner rather than later;
Bickering or fighting frequently.
A lot of resentment or contempt in the relationship.
Having arguments about the same things.
Difficulty communicating or expressing yourselves.
Feeling that you’re drifting apart.
Having issues with intimacy.
Couples therapy can help you redefine and reimagine your relationship in your new roles as parents. It can also help you enjoy each other and your new baby.
Conclusion
Having a baby is a joyful experience but it can also be quite stressful. Attending couples therapy to help navigate this major life transition can be a game-changer in helping you and your spouse settle into your new norm with ease as it offers a fantastic way to strengthen your relationship, improve communication skills, and break unhealthy patterns and roles in the relationship. A highly-trained therapist can hold space for you and your partner as you work together on creating the next phase of your marriage after the first baby.
Love Discovery Institute is an elite emotional and cognitive wellness center focusing on intimacy, relationships, and self-discovery. Bringing together South Florida’s leading professionals in the field, the institute incorporates a holistic approach to treating the mind, body, and soul through individual, adolescent, family, and couples therapy